The Saddest NFL Stats of Week 3 You Didn't Know

We start this week with a poem. An adapted version of The New Colossus, that old poem about Lady Liberty welcoming immigrants we were taught at eight year's old and forgot all about. This is for all the new sad NFL fans joining us this week. 

“Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your team's shore.

Send these, the winless, Dolphin-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside your shit-filled door!”

"The Same Old Sad Collossus" - Jeffro

Welcome ashore. If it's freedom from sadness you seek - you've come a long way for nothing. Here are your NFL sad stats for Week 3.

Sad Stat #1: Garrett Boles is this sad stats blog personified 

I think I speak for everyone in wanting to give this sweaty sad sack of a man above a big hug. There is no lower rung in the sad ranking tiers than wanting to give another man you have never met a hug. Except if he's sweating profusely from the Miami sun. 

Is Garrett being dramatic? I almost thought so at first but the man was so despondent it warranted a little research. He's right. All he has done is lose since being drafted in the first round by the Broncos in 2017. Here is the Broncos' records with Boles on the team:

2017: 5-11

2018: 6-10

2019: 7-9

2020: 5-11

2021: 7-9

2022: 5-12

2023: 0-3

That's 35-65 in the Garrett Boles era. Happy.... 100 games??? 

This is sad. But's it's not the sad stat. Plenty of players play on shit teams for years. And it's definitely tough to have a losing record in all seven years of your career. But usually players expect this when they get drafted on a shit team. That brings us to the actual sad stat:

Broncos records five years leading up to drafting Garrett Boles:

2012: 13-3

2013: 13-3

2014: 12-4

2015: 12-4

2016: 9-7

OK, warms ups are over. Let's rev this up a bit. 

Sad Stat #2: The Broncos are one of seven teams in NFL history to give up 122 points in the first three weeks of a season

We're not going anywhere just yet Broncos fans. You might already know the record for most points given up in the NFL is 73. 72 is next and after Sunday, we have two teams now who gave up 70. Below are the worst 21 teams in points given up in the first three weeks in NFL history. Why did I include 21 teams? Just really felt like including that last team in there I guess. 

Let's have a little fun and compare some basic Weeks 1-3 splits for Nathaniel Hackett coaching last year vs Sean Payton this year. 

Lot more green in the Hackett rows! Nathaniel had more yards gained on offense, almost HALF as many yards given up on defense, less tournovers, more turnovers forced, and less touchdowns given up on defense. Not bad for the "worst coached team in NFL history": Oh yeah - and Hackett went 2-1 vs Payton's 0-3. 

Big win for Nathaniel Hackett! This man just needed out of Denver to spread his wings and fly. 

Sad Stat #3: The Jets had negative total yards in the second quarter and have now lost 15 straight games to the Patriots

Welcome back to sad stats New York Jets! Broncos fans really needed a hero to tag them out this week and the Jets never seem to disappoint. Things might not be going great in Denver but at least their fans can take a moment to laugh at the shit job Nathaniel Hackett is doing in New York. The Jets offense was finally able to maintain positive total yards of offense around the 11:00 mark of the second quarter en route to losing 15-straight to their division rival, New England Patriots. 

After being the butt of the first two jokes, it's OK to point and laugh at the Jets, Broncos fans. Imagine being owned 15-games in a row by a division rival like the Jets. 

Also pretty crazy the Jets have never beat the Eagles. At least Broncos fans can say they beat the Raiders in Oakland. Feel better yet Mile High? 

Sad Stat #4: Josh McDaniels joins Matt LeFleur as the only morons to kick a field goal in final 3:00 down exactly 8 on 4th down at or inside the opponent's 10-yard line

Kicking a field goal in the final three minutes to go down from a touchdown to a touchdown is a bold move. Only he and LeFleur are on the right curve of the Dunning Kruger graph to make that call. But I found another instance this happened when the Lions were down 7 in the same situation. Week 16 of 2021 vs the Falcons. Kinda the same idea. Spoiler alert - it didn't work out.

The only explanation for McDaniel's decision to my eye is that he's in a fantasy league of NFL coaches and he saw what Sean McVay got away with doing last week kicking down 10 with :03 to go. But at least McVay didn't torch his team's chances of winning. 75 teams since 1999 in this situation (down 7 or 8, less than 3 minutes to go, at or inside opponent's 10, and on 4th down) decided to at least try. 12% of teams that went for it ended up winning the game vs 0 percent for our three brainiacs. McDaniels literally just threw 12 percent down the drain. Hope he won his fantasy game though.

Sad Stat #5: Ron Rivera sends out troops for saddest "let's not get shutout" field goal in modern times

Kicking a field goal with :50 left down 37-0 is the saddest "let's not get shutout" field goal since at least 1999 topping none other than Randy Bullock knocking one down with :37 left in Week 5 2020 vs the Ravens to spoil a would be 27-0 shutout. And don't forget the Bucs kicked one down 20-0 with :04 left vs the Steelers in Week 13, 2006.

I did notice that Joey Slye nailed his from 51-yards - which is five points in fantasy. I think we figured out what coach Josh McDaniels was playing this week.

Sad Stat #6: The Chicago Bears are home underdogs to a team that gave up 70 points and lost by 50 last week

I don't even care anymore. It's officially "fun bad" season in Chicago. We are beyond pathetic. Beyond parody. We resign-fired our defensive coordinator last week who's duties apparently included coordinating the defense of our actual stadium which was then robbed. No word yet if Aaron Rodgers plans to press charges if the thieves are caught. What's worse is we are the go-to team you bring your girlfriend to now so you can impress her. At this point we might be approaching Jonathan Quinn/Craig Krenzel era bad. Everything sucks. It's pathetic I even turn the game on but let me remind you I don't even care anymore. 

Speaking of the game I'll pathetically still turn on next week - Let's talk about the "sad off" coming our way when the Bears host the Broncos along with whatever criminals are still there lingering about. As you know, the Bears gave up 41 points to the Chiefs last week while the Broncos gave up 70. I put the grunt work in calculating the total points given up by both teams the prior week for every NFL game ever and found just one that tops what we are about to see.

That's right. The Broncos/Bears game is about to set the NFL back 71 years to 1952. And - oh look - the Bears are on this list three times, what a shocker. I fucking hate this franchise, what a fucking joke. Not that I care. 

But let's chat about the 117 combined points given up in their prior week by the 1922 Crimson Giants and Brecks (Brecks defined as: more than one breck). The Giants lost 60-0 in their game prior and the Brecks were on the wrong side of a 57-0 nail biter. The Brecks of Louisville would prevail 13-6 in what would be their only win in it's four-year franchise history. Again their only win in franchise history was to a team that had just lost 60-0.

That might be the saddest stat I've ever found. Kinda makes you feel better, huh Jets fans? Broncos fans? 

Garrett Boles?

- Jeffro

Got a sad stat tip? DM me @statholesports

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